


Equal

by Fictropes



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Introspection, M/M, Phil POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-15 19:53:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29564280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fictropes/pseuds/Fictropes
Summary: Because Dan’s always been the loud one, Dan’s always been the one who does first and thinks later.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 25
Kudos: 81





	Equal

**Author's Note:**

> ok i know i posted two fics in 2 seconds but that's the cost of hating even numnbers and wanting ur ao3 on odd babbeyyyy

Sometimes Phil thinks it’s easy—for outsiders—to look at their online presence and come away with Dan being the one who’s more invested. It’s in the tweets, the videos, the magazines articles and all the old posts that have since been deleted— but are so easily found. 

And maybe it’s true, to an extent. Because Dan’s always been the loud one, Dan’s always been the one who does first and thinks later. It used to drive Phil up the wall, to come online to see Dan had posted something else that’d need some form of damage control. Because he was always the one who had to fix it afterwards, and it hurt— to have someone you love so easily act like they didn’t love you in return. 

It hurt before he grew up and realised what it all meant.

He gets it now. Dan was so eager that he slipped up and revealed things he wasn’t ready for, that he was so invested in what they were that sometimes—just for a second—he forgot his own biggest fear. He wanted everyone to know without everyone knowing, without it having to mean anything at all. 

And at one point Phil had been willing to be open about it, had been willing to tell everyone what they meant to each other—what they were. Because he loved Dan, because he was sure of them. There was never any ending point in sight, so there was never any harm in people knowing. But that had been naive, that had been in his perfect little dream world that only existed inside of his brain. 

Other people didn’t exist in that world, at least other people with wrong opinions.

After a lifetime of seeing what Dan had gone through on twitter he’d changed his mind, and he’s not sure it’ll ever change back. Now it’s easy to close the lid, to make it obvious without words. Because words are the things that can ruin, words are the things that have caused more hurt to the both of them than anything else. 

Once upon a time it had felt awful, it’d felt—unfair. To be the one in the relationship that seemingly didn’t care, for everyone to think Dan was invested but Phil _not_. He felt a bit like he was leaving Dan to drown out at sea, swimming past on his boat but not offering to help. Tweeting stupid things in the midst of drama felt an awful lot like that. Not being able to help Dan in the way he wanted to help Dan, because that would only make things worse. 

But Dan gets it, because Dan’s—Dan. He’s the one person on earth who understands.

And Dan still lets out a little too much at times, still says the word husband in interviews. And Phil will never let him live that down, but the way in which his heart flipped probably means he's alright with it. Alright with the too much when it's still nothing concrete. When it still isn't confirmation. 

Phil's better at it all now, knows how to navigate everything. He can give things away without giving everything up—the privacy, the personal details. He’ll tweet, he’ll talk about Dan in ways that make it all obvious but he’ll never say the words that’d put everything into motion. He never wants them in newspapers or magazines, he never wants to walk into an interview about his career and have all the questions just be about him and Dan. 

They’re separate people who just so happen to be joint at the hip, they’re separate people who just so happen to have built everything together.

Dan’s happy with how it all is now, the way in which it all feels _equal_. When Phil leaves in a sentence that alludes to _something_ , when he casually mentions Dan in a way that feels intimate, when he was the one to suggest an announcement being made on Stereo. And Phil’s pleased with it, how when you look now it doesn’t feel as one sided. How it’s obvious without being spoken.

So he keeps going. He’s quiet in a way that’s simultaneously loud. He’ll stare at Dan for a beat too long in videos, or now he’ll just stare at his cameraman with all this fond in his eyes. He’ll tell everyone they’ve bought a house together, he’ll make it clear this is it now—for life—but he’ll never go as far as saying what people want him to say. And it works. It works beautifully. Everyone can figure it out, but no one can confirm it. No one can get the scoop. 

But it doesn’t always work perfectly, because Dan still hates him for tweeting OnlyPhans. 

**Author's Note:**

> [if u wanna reblog on tumblr! alwasy appreciate it :D](https://fictropes.tumblr.com/post/643577223839989760/equal-complete-793-g-because-dans-always)


End file.
